A Stoke man is in intensive care after consuming two cups of water he made while watching his first science documentary. The documentary, narrated by someone with Attenboroughesque gravity of credibility, made mention of the fact that water is a naturally occurring concoction of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. The man then isolated the compounds and mixed them together with disastrous results.
Lacking high-tech lab equipment, he used his toothbrush mug as a crucible, meaning his moonshine H2O was suffused with poundshop microplastics. His second mistake was to measure out the compounds by hand, leading to a way off guestimate of the measures required. Thirdly, he doesn’t really know what hydrogen and oxygen are. And fourthly, he was very drunk.
A neighbour said, ‘I heard him clattering about in his kitchen through the walls. Walls are very thin in Stoke. We’ve complained to the council about them but…’ After reminding the neighbour of the main topic, she added, ‘He’s always making stuff at home. Last month he offered me some of his homemade chocolate. But I refused. He’d clearly used cabbage.’
The man is not the only person to revert to self-generation of essentials in straitened economic times. A Bristol student was warned to simply breathe in what’s around him after he set fire to his dorm following a botched attempt to concoct his own air. While a family in Napper valley near Crest-of-the-wave neath Oldham are still awaiting charges of selling bottled farts as Tibetan wallpaper adhesive. On the issue of homemade water, a government spokesperson reiterated, ‘Those caught not drinking state distributed tap water will be shuttered, clamped, audited, unpersoned, and their address published in the sky.’
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