A man has been issued with divorce papers for attempting to kiss his wife immediately after guzzling warm, sweaty milk.
Heartbroken wife Maureen Wilkins, 52, explained: “The experience will haunt me forever. Trevor kept one eye on me as he chugged away at the plastic container, like it was a moonshine jug and he’d been chopping lumber and wrestling gators all day. Then he drew an arm across his foul, frothy mouth, smearing milk further into his beard and ruining a very expensive M&S fleece.
“Gazing deep into my eyes, he exhaled: ‘Aaaah.’ Then closed his eyes and leaned in with his gob open. There were white stringy strands everywhere, and his breath was hot death. I’ve never been so unaroused. It was like when Han Solo slashed open that animal to stay warm in The Empire Strikes Back.”
“I just don’t understand. Trevor knew full well about the nine-day quarantine and decontamination programme for milk consumption, especially when attempting intimate contact. It was explicit in our wedding vows, and the fleece was an anniversary present too. Oh, the betrayal.
Maureen’s solicitor commented: “This is by far the worst case of domestic lacto-empoisonment it has been my displeasure to encounter. Divorce isn’t good enough, if it were up to me, he’d hang.”
The reaction from public figures has been mixed: A cleaner at Nigel Farage’s constituency surgery, commented: “Nigel believes milk, or any milk-based product, should never be used to belittle or intimidate. It’s a vile and disgusting abomination, and of course Nigel wholeheartedly supports British farmers in its production.”
While a spokesperson for ex-TV’s Gregg Wallace, said: “I can neither confirm nor deny that Mr. Wallace would advocate the partaking of warm milk before allegedly making unsavoury comments to women, or not.” And Canadian songstress Alanis Morrisette was rumoured to be inspired to write her latest album ‘Udder To Shudder’ after becoming aware of Maureen’s plight.
Soon-to-be-divorced Wilkins, 54, said: “I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I only drank it to mask the doner kebab stench. I should have got a f**king medal.”
Image: Couleur - Pixabay