‘Parks should be enjoyed at pace’, Rishi Sunak probably said. ‘People who loiter in parks, doing antisocial things like sniffing flowers, admiring trees or chatting – they’re the worst kind of scum. Subhuman scum’.
Data on the average speed of people in parks is surprisingly sparse. Under the ‘Loitering In Parks Act, 2023’, any person perambulating at less than two point five miles per hour in a public park will be set upon by specially trained police dogs.
‘By “people” we mean “teenagers”, obviously’, Mr Sunak might have said.
‘You might ask “Why two point five?” which is a fair point’, Rishi possibly said. ‘Why not three mph? Four? Why not require people to jog? We need to think of people with shorter legs. We – sorry, they – look silly trying to walk at three miles per hour. It’s a matter of stride length. And dignity’.
‘This is the dividend of thirteen glorious years’, Mr Sunak might have continued. ‘We have eradicated crime, the NHS is well managed and resource-rich, the economy is booming, everything is so perfect that MPs have had to take second and third jobs just to stave off boredom. So we can afford to deal with the minor stuff, like people loitering in parks. Give us another thirteen years and who knows what Britain will be like?’