Singer Lisa Stansfield has announced that she is abandoning her 34-year global quest to find her baby. This has taken her all around the world many times over, as it apparently did not occur to her that he might have been living quietly in Rochdale the whole time.
‘Been around the world and I, I, I, I couldn't find my baby,’ said the tearful Lancastrian songbird, who now admits that she did too much lying and wasted too much time when she could have been shagging herself stupid with countless other willing men. ‘We had a quarrel and I let myself go – well I am 57 now, you know - I said so many things, things he didn't know, like how much his farting in bed irritated me. I didn't think he was coming back, coming back, and I was right, he didn’t.’
Stansfield’s former baby, who asked not to be named, told reporters: ‘I’ve been happily married to someone else since 1995 . Restraining orders weren’t a thing in 1989, unfortunately. I’m just glad she didn’t think to look in a two-mile radius of her own home while she was going all around the world stalking me. You may as well go looking for Nigel Farage in Clacton. Daft bint.’
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