Lethal injection ‘to be made from locally-sourced ingredients’
- Sydalg
- Mar 29
- 1 min read
The state of Florida confirms all condemned prisoners are now guaranteed a carbon neutral execution with less environmental impact than a baby's burp. "Our injection cocktail consists of 100 percent natural extracts from plants picked locally by hand and delivered to the prison by zero-emission electric vehicle", says prison governor Tim Sanchez. "They're grown without artificial fertilisers or insecticides and are guaranteed to cause convulsions and permanent heart stoppage within 30 seconds". Side effects may include euphoria and psychedelic hallucinations, "but these won't last long", he assured journalists.
"This is a great step forward", says serial killer Delwyn Holmes, who's been appealing his own execution for the last 18 years. "Death row finally smells natural again". Other states have been exploring renewable energy options for convicted murderers. Texas tried electrocuting them with a solar-powered "e-chair" until pressure from the oil industry forced them to abandon it. California denies rumours that its prisoners are to be beaten to death with sandals. Meanwhile, in Britain, one backbench Tory MP says, "If America can have natural injections, the least we can do is come up with an organic rope and bring back hanging".