Later this month, a low-key presentation will be made at Downing Street, honouring one of our longest serving government officials - by his years : Larry the cat. Larry has been 'on duty' since 2012, without a break, and has "seen off" five Prime Ministers during that time, with options on a sixth.
Over the years, differing sources have commended him on his diligence and condemned him as an 'lazy effing freeloader', but he has consistently out-performed all comers in terms of popularity with the public. Recently released cabinet papers also reveal that, on occasions, the sole hand on the tiller of government was in fact a small, furry paw.
However, Larry's time at Downing Street has not been without controversy, with other documents highlighting his involvement in Boris Johnson's fall from grace. "Absolute muppet - Bringing a dog onto my manor and getting all antsy just because I scratched his precious wallpaper. Had to go."
Larry is also believed to have been the inside informer during Partygate, ("Never in any of the pictures : funny, that") but has been reticent to be labelled a grass. "Grass has a very different meaning and use in the feline community: I might appear cute and furry, but I'll cut you up proper if you ever call me that again"
With regards the other incumbents, Larry has been very vocal in his opinions. "Theresa May ? Awful dancer but that never stopped her. Dab hand with the Dreamies though - bless her - not like that scrote Cameron". "Truss ? Barely had time to demonstrate my utter contempt for her". "Rishi standing in the rain looking a prat : who do you think pissed on all the umbrellas ? You're welcome !"
And what did eventually happen to Dilyn, with his meteoric rise and fall? "I couldn't possibly say" continues Larry, all innocence personified, "it's not as if I might know where the bodies are buried" And as for the future ? Larry has always maintained he is above party politics, although he does hold a fondness for the absolutism of the feline demigods of Ancient Egypt.
"You could do a lot worse. You know that. You did. On multiple occasions".
Larry the Cat
Just left a crap in Sunak's shoe, for old times' sake...
Liz Truss has asked me why I’m more popular than she is. I pointed out that wasps are more popular than she is.