Incensed by Republican vice-presidential nominee JD Vance’s remarks about childless cat ladies, Vance’s dog Fluffy has announced she is seeking a new owner. ‘As everyone knows, I have dedicated my life to healing the unfortunate and long-standing rift between dogs and cats,’ Fluffy said in a prepared statement. ‘My current owner’s ill-chosen and dismissive remarks about female cat owners have harmed this cause, and therefore I am seeking a new owner who understands the importance of building pet stairs rather than fences.’
In a brief video call with reporters, Fluffy, an apricot miniature poodle, elaborated on her statement. ‘I have heard from more of my cat friends than I can count that my continued association with JD Vance will do nothing but hinder canine-feline reconciliation.’ A spokescat for the American Feline Association applauded Fluffy’s decision. ‘We’ve been applying coordinated pressure on Fluffy, which wasn’t easy; in fact, it’s been like herding … well … you know.’ The spokescat said that Fluffy’s ‘laudable and courageous decision’ will put fresh wind in the sails of the AFA’s ‘Throw JD out with the litter’ campaign.
A representative of Make America Bark Again – an association of pro-Trump dogs – denounced Fluffy as ‘a despicable cur’ whose pro-cat advocacy constituted ‘a grotesque rejection of traditional canine values.’ MABA has posted a statement on its website urging Vance to bring home ‘a real American dog who will fight tooth and claw for the values that Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin, and Scooby-Doo stand for.’ The statement provoked yet more controversy, as Scooby-Doo swiftly demanded on X that his name be removed. ‘As an animated character, I feel a special weight of responsibility to ensure that the children of the world learn the importance of tolerance and mutual respect,’ Scooby posted. Representatives of Lassie and Rin-Tin-Tin did not return calls seeking comment.
Writer: Tacitus