Recessions are a pain. Prices are going up, businesses are going bust, and shops closing. The media has a field day, going on about zero growth, recession, household budgets, unemployment, stagflation, recession, poverty, job losses and recession again. Politicians go bonkers trying to pretend it’s not happening, or that they can see green shoots, or some other nonsense. No-one needs that much depression and anxiety.
But! Good news! You can enjoy a recession if you are well-prepared. Here’s how:
1. Stop buying books and papers. Swap books with your friends and family. Read the news on-line. Hell, most libraries will let you read newspapers on-line – for free! Charity shops have lots of books, but don’t every pay the cover price - haggle. It’s fun!
2. Stop eating out. It's too expensive. And some of those chain restaurants are only microwaving freezer food anyway. How can a bottle of supermarket plonko that costs £4 end up costing £15 in a café? Learn how to cook your favourite dish at home. Have friends round to eat, and get them to bring a bottle or two. Or three. Or more...
3. Stop work. Have you worked out what that job is costing you? Travel costs, meals, work clothes, whip-rounds, tea club, student loan repayments, union fees? Do your sums and figure out if work is really worth it. If you can’t quit, then maybe just go sick for a bit. Put your travel savings into a jam jar and have fun with that money later.
4. Go for a walk. Fresh air is free (unless you live in a city). Exercise is good for you. And you might find some money on the pavement. Become a dog walker – then you get paid to go for a walk.
5. Cancel all those subscriptions you never use. If you’ve watched all the good stuff on Apple TV, Paramount, Discovery, and Lionsgate (why did you ever pay for that?), then cancel now. Why not swap some of your old DVDs with friends or family. Maybe Frozen 2 will be better than you think?
6. Take up drawing. You can get free pencils from Ikea, and you can draw on the envelopes that junk mail comes in. It’s completely free. And who know? You might turn out to be as good as Picasso. Or better.
7. Don’t spend. In a recession, shops get more and more desperate. Sales are increasingly frequent. Well known stores are closing down. All those stupid shops that you hate suddenly have no customers – hurrah! Retail is a game of poker. Wait as long as you can. Only buy stuff when prices hit rock bottom – when it’s ‘cheaper than not having it’. That’s how to win at shopping. (OK. You do still need to buy some food. But do remember that you can get free food from Olio and foodbanks.)
8. Don’t vacation. Why not do a house swap with friends or family? Have a holiday at home – stay up late, get very drunk, sleep in all day. Wear the same clothes for a week (spray yourself with Febreze if necessary). Do not attempt any household jobs. Perfect!
8. Stay cheerful. Doom and gloom is all in the mind. Yes, Donald Trump is a dangerous idiot – but at least he’s a long way away. Yes, Gaza, Ukraine and Somalia are all horrible – but at least they are a long way away. In fact, most horrible things are a long way away, so stay home and celebrate that.
Image: aleksandra85foto - Pixabay