Horoscopes for September 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Your sign says you are free-spirited, demonstrative. passionate and challenging of societal norms. The police call your behaviour 'riot and affray'.

Guess which definition the Courts will side with.

Taurus

The Portents Board has censored this month's forecast

Gemini

Get an earlier bus to work, and start using mouthwash. You'll thank me for it eventually.

Cancer

You'll have a sudden urge for a banana. Resistance will be futile because the spread of Monkeypox is inevitable.

Leo

I'm stepping away from the chart now. I don't want any trouble.

Virgo

Do NOT go to that ouija board party. Seriously, DO NOT GO.

Libra

You must stop doing that or you will disrupt the Space/Time conduffrrrdeepzzhaaaaa./////////

Scorpio

In a world of round holes, you are a square peg. Perhaps you should consider some sort of prosthesis, or undergo reconstructive surgery ?

Sagittarius

You have a tendency to use your horoscope as a mental and spiritual crutch against the vagaries of life. Whilst this can be seen as a bad thing in most cases, in yours it seems barely adequate given the trials and tribulations you will face in the next four weeks. You might want to try upgrading that crutch for one of those mobility obesecycles, or, failing that, a mortuary gurney.

Capricorn

One word sums up your life this month: WHOOPS!

Aquarius

For brief moment you could have caught the eye of your one true love, but you missed it reading this horoscope. What can I say? Life can be a sod sometimes

Pisces

Rumours of the Chuckle Brothers getting back together suggest that the rumour mills you subscribe to are faulty.

Contributions from:

FlashArry : Aries, Scorpio, Sagittarius

SteveB : Cancer, Pisces