Aries
Last month I wrote that you would be working from home in the future. My apologies. That should have read living in a home. I hope that is working out alright for you.
Taurus
Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.
Gemini
In a world of round holes, you are a square peg. Perhaps you should consider some sort of prosthesis, or undergo reconstructive surgery ?
Cancer
Does haircut, chocolate and heavy machinery have any resonance with you?
Leo
Rumours of the Chuckle Brothers getting back together suggest that the rumour mills you subscribe to are faulty.
Virgo
A former colleague will contact you this week. The evidence has been found, and it proves you were right all along.
Libra
You will begin a new diet regime shortly. I understand it is known as 'Nil by Mouth’.
Scorpio
You will go on a long trip this month. May I suggest that you delay visiting the Grand Canyon till later in the year?
Sagittarius
You will get the 'hair dryer treatment' some time this month. Unfortunately, you will be standing behind an Easyjet plane at the time.
Capricorn
One day they'll make a movie about your life. You'd better get cracking if you want to make it interesting.
Aquarius
You will run into some money this month. Or rather an armoured truck will run into you.
Pisces
You will fall off your bike in front of a taxi. That delays the journey to the airport for the passenger who is a top-level virologist. The plane they intended to travel on is shot down. The scientist arrives at a high-level conference to deliver a groundbreaking speech that initiates a whole new approach to disease treatment. After ten years, the world is almost entirely free of disease. No-one will know it was down to your one small action. Therefore, let me extend my heartiest thanks on behalf of the planet. Good show, old bean.
Contributors:
@eskpilot3: Taurus
FlashArry: Gemini
SteveB: Virgo