Aries
Confusion over baklava and balaclava may lead to breathlessness, an irritating rash and possible animal cruelty charges. Avoid Tall Carole from Accounts, the North Circular and fish containing vowels. Limit your cusping to built-up areas on weekday afternoons between 4 and 6.
Taurus
You will learn that what you thought was an affectionate nickname for you from your colleagues, turns out to mean 'shit-for-brains' in their language.
Gemini
Congratulations, Gemini. You share your star sign with Donald Trump, Peter Sutcliffe, Boris Johnson, and Jeffrey Dahmer. Like them, you are downright forthright, not bright and alt-right. People who get in your way should Watch Out! This month Mars is descending (half price at Asda), so it’s time to stock up. Your friends are always keen to be with you, but maybe it’s just for the chocolate bars.
Cancer
I see the bad moon a-risin'. I see trouble on the way. I see earthquakes and lightnin'. I see bad times today. Don't go around tonight. Well it's bound to take your life. There's a bad moon on the rise. So don't make long-term plans, ok ?
Leo
A stunning win on the lottery, orgasmic sex with a hottie, and a loss of 18 lbs despite a month of supreme culinary delights and exquisite feasting.
Virgo
The number '7' will become prominent in the next few days, possibly in combination with king prawns.
Libra
You will go on a long journey with no apparent end in sight, but that's Northern Rail for you.
Scorpio
The firmanent is in tumult. It's laughing its proverbial tits off over what happens to you this month. Don't worry. It all works out well for you ... eventually.
Sagittarius
The stars predict that you are entering a period of great upheaval and distress. Did the name "Filthy Al's Dirty Kebabs" not hint at the risk you were taking last night?
Capricorn
Whilst out metal detectoring you will unearth a hoard of coins and bones in an amphora. A later translation of the inscription on it will read 'death to they who disturb my rest'. Ah well; you win some, you lose some.
Aquarius
Your stone for this month is gravel. Don't ask me why. Best not to.
Pisces
The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”
Contributions from
FlashArry: Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius
deskpilot: Gemini
Sinnick: Cancer, Pisces
SteveB: Leo