Aries
You gran may be bedridden but I advise that you don’t visit her unless accompanied by a lumberjack this month.
Taurus
If you must walk through the forest, may I suggest that you take a decent satnav with you, rather than leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Come on! It’s 2025 for goodness sake.
Gemini
Those of you with porcine characteristics are advised to stay with relations this month. Your jerry-built houses rented from private landlords will not be able to withstand Storm Wolf which is forming in the Atlantic.
Cancer
Times are hard. Food and fuel costs keep rising. However, sending your idiot son to sell your cow at the market can lead to very unexpected events. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?
Leo
You will wake up naked on the seashore and meet a handsome young man. However, you are not a little mermaid who was given a potion by the Sea Witch so that you can walk among humans. Your drink was spiked in that bar in Benidorm. The only part of the fairy tale that is true for you is that you were legless last night.
Virgo
Hey, princess. No-one is going to believe you caught herpes ‘kissing frogs’ down at the riverbank. Better just ‘fess up.
Libra
A word to the wise: you may feel that your property is secure; what with it being in a castle in the clouds. However, you may find that a sneak thief steals a bag of gold coins, a magical hen that lays golden eggs, and a golden harp. Better install some CCTV before it’s too late
Scorpio
If a swarthy man with a bald head, topknot, bare chest and baggy silk trousers approaches you and offers to grant you three wishes, run away and don’t look back. I shouldn't really need to tell you that!
Sagittarius
You will have a long, surreal conversation with a person in a mirror through the night. The mirror won’t be magic, but the mushrooms you ingested two hour before will have been.
Capricorn
If you share accommodation with seven miners of restricted growth, you would be well advised not to eat any fruit offered to you by a weird old woman. Instead, carry on with your routine and, eventually, I handsome prince will call by, you will fall in love ,and live happily ever after. Just remember that bit about the old woman and the fruit. OK?
Aquarius
You may meet someone who has an unattractive appearance. To such an extent that their friends call them ‘the Beast’. You may try to convince yourself that deep inside they are kind and caring. They won’t be. They are a total arse!
Pisces
Refrain from eating shish kebabs this month. One of the skewers will be one of Rumpledforeskin’s spindles. You will be forced to spin straw into gold forever. What do you mean this sounds like a fairy tale? Do you think I’m making all this stuff up?