Aries
Tha’s making a right @rse of thesen. Think on.
Taurus
If you don’t stop with your la dee dah ways, you’ll end up a gret suthern jessie.
Gemini
There’s nowt that can’t be sorted over a good cup of tea.
Cancer
You’ll get a clout round yer lugs this week. You’ll deserve it. Pillock!
Leo
Watch out for them there steps
Virgo
You will find love this month. Watch out Ada Slatterthwaite. That’s my star sign!
Libra
Stop laiking about the house and buck your ideas, you daft sod.
Scorpio
You are saved from a fate worse than death next week, when that trip to Manchester is cancelled
Sagittarius
You will get an unwelcome visitor next week. The tally man wants paying.
Capricorn
Mind you visit your nan next weekend, she’s getting right mardy
Aquarius
It’s not clear what’s going to happen but you’ll be chuffed to bits, I can tell you.
Pisces
You’ll come across a bit of money this month. Not a lot, but ‘owt’s better than nowt.
Image: Lockjaw