Aries
Sorry, I've been sworn to secrecy for your sign this month.
Taurus
When I said it was time to live life in the fast lane I was using a figure of speech : it was not an instruction, you idiot. i will not be reimbursing you for the tent, sleeping bag and gas stove now strewn along the central reservation of the A1(M) near Doncaster.
Gemini
There is considerable scope for health improvements this month. A stethoscope will be helpful. And a gastroscope. And, unfortunately, a colonoscope. And also a telescope. Don't worry - the doctors will get it out.
Cancer
The voice from beyond the grave says "No message this time as I'll be seeing you soon”
Leo
As you trust my judgement, perhaps you would be interested in investing in some cryptocurrency that I am developing?
Virgo
The Dragon of Disorder has taken up residence in your sock drawer, the Shrew of Penury has eaten the last remnants in your bank account, and the Badger of Sobriety has again shat in your mouth : this is what happens when you unwittingly dick about with Feng-Shui, moron.
Put the furniture back where it was and your trust back in the pareidolia of the heavens
Libra
Oh, Ooh, ah, wow, oof, eesh.
Scorpio
Today is a good day to visit an old acquaintance that you haven't seen for a long time. You've missed your last few meetings, so you really should make the effort to see them today. If you are unable to meet them before sundown, then you will be taking a long journey back to a place that you don't much care for. Do I have to spell this out? If you don't check in with your parole officer TODAY, then you're going back to prison.
Sagittarius
Sadly, this month the Heavens merely refer to you as ‘collateral damage’.
Capricorn
You will embark on an unexpected, mysterious journey, learning much about strange, exotic places before you eventually turn up at your original destination, exhausted and confused.
In the future, you really should pay more attention to the platform announcements and the 'Departures' board.
Aquarius
A loved one will show no compunction in callously hurting you, and will show no remorse or regret for their actions - but that's cats for you. If you want unwavering devotion and loyalty, get a spaniel.
Pisces
Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.
Contributions from:
deskpilot : Scorpio
Sinnick : Cancer
FlashArry : Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo, Aquarius