Aries
You will go on a long but perilous journey that will expose you to great danger, so beware ! ... is what I should have said last month. My bad. Still, it has thinned out the herd a bit. Those of you still with us should have a much easier time this month. Probably
Taurus
Nothing of great import to relate, same as last month and the one before that. As a result, next month's Parole Hearing should be a foregone conclusion.
Gemini
By lowering your expectations, you are smashing it on a daily basis. Today is no exception : you will find some small change on the station platform, the lift at work will be waiting for you as you come through the door and you will get the last chocolate digestive on the biscuit plate in that interminable but necessary meeting.
The rest of us will remain baffled by your boundless optimism and sunny disposition, with much speculation about what medication you are on, and where can we get some.
Cancer
An old and trusted confidant has fallen on hard times and needs your support.
To be honest, the bottom of the prediction game has dropped out - can I have a borrow of £20?
Leo
The small hex key you need to tighten up the dining table is in the small blue and white pot on the mantlepiece. This might seem way too specific, but you would be surprised how many people this will help.
Virgo
In the continuing battle of wits that is modern life, it sometimes feels like you are bringing a knife to a gun-fight. However, the Celestials love and cherish you, even if it is as comic relief. Keep your chin up, sunshine, and you'll bimble through as usual.
Libra
Your decision to live life in the moment leads to a number of... wait a minute! I haven't finished yet ... come back! When the Celestials urged you to chase your dreams they didn't mean that one, you filthy pervert. If questioned by the police I will deny ever having encouraged you. Sicko.
Scorpio
Consulting a number of horoscopes, you realise that you sign casts for this month vary wildly from source to source. Can they all be right ? Can they all be wrong ? Who can I trust ? Why are you so febrile of mind as to be dependent for direction on the ramblings of a complete stranger with a daft name ? (present company excepted, of course, the real deal here)
Sagittarius
You blame your lack of love, fortune and fame on 'not getting the breaks' : however, it is the fact that you are an inane dullard with the charisma of porridge and a penchant for poor life decisions that drives your fate.Remember, someone has to be at the wrong end of the distribution curve.
Suck it up, plod on and hope for better next time around.
I have said too much.
Capricorn
The Road to Happiness takes many forms , unfortunately yours is based on the M25.
Expect speed restrictions, contraflows and a vague worry that you will end up back where you started.
Aquarius
Avoid peanut butter stout, squeezy cheese in a tube and tall grocers named Keith: they are just wrong on every level. Always have been, always will be. I will brook no argument, this is writ large in the stars. Ignore at your peril.
Pisces
Love is in the air - but, unfortunately, it is due to an over-strength pheromone released from a tanker involved in a Romford car accident. Fuelled by this heady chemical cocktail, your sexual prowess will soar ever higher, if somewhat indiscriminately.
Later you will need to make grovelling apologies and reparations to Great-aunt Doreen, Handsy Andy at the pizza parlour and the local Police Dog Handling Unit, you little devil.
Compiled by lockjaw