As we settle down after the holiday terrorist season into the grind of the new terrorist year, there is one question we fail to ask ourselves. Will I even survive the year? Yes, many Brits will die this year who didn’t even plan to. But what we really want to terrify you about are the innocuous symptoms you don’t put any thought to that are actually signs of incipient terminality.
Take sneezing. Many of us do it once or twice a day, especially as the seasons change and air borne irritants such as pollens and weed fumes fill the air. But did you know that if you sneeze more than once or twice a day during non-allergen producing times, you have a 267% greater chance of all cause mortality? That is because sneezing is associated with poverty, want, and, in West London, being found in a puddle without your Rolex.
Now think. Did you scratch an itch today? Take another look at where you scratched. Still any redness? There is? Then you will die. That harmless looking area of inflammation is indeed a mark of something growing on an internal organ. Sadly, you won’t discover what that growth is until weeks out from your appointment with eternity. In the meantime, eat up. Enjoy that pud pud.
Have you or any members of your family recently been on an airplane? Having travelled on an airplane in the last six months is associated with a whopping 91% greater chance of dying within the next calendar year. But the reason is not what you think. It isn’t because the pilot is a DEI hire and you’re going down. No, the air on planes is saturated in phytoborocarbons, barely visible chunks of feces that the human body involuntarily secretes at unnatural altitudes. You are thus inhaling the shit of complete strangers. This plays havoc with the gut biome, leading to cramps, tragedy, grurching, and death.
And finally, sleep. If you’re regularly getting less than 5 hours per night, this past Christmas was your last. And it is too late to change your nocturnal habits. Scientists confirm that getting under 5 hours sleep a night points to the cast iron certainty that you have an incurable underlying condition. In the meantime, eat up. Enjoy that pud pud.