The Government has accepted that withdrawing the winter fuel allowance will affect many pensioners. Although it is adamant that the policy change cannot be reversed, it has, in a conciliatory move, announced transitional measures to help the worst affected.
‘Obviously,’ said a spokesman, ‘we would ideally help pensioners to insulate their draughty homes. But this would not be affordable. Our new policy approach, therefore, is to insulate the pensioners rather than the homes.
‘We will offer all pensioners two pairs of high-performance thermal under-drawers to keep them warm this winter, and for the next five years. These garments are favoured by polar explorers and are colloquially known as ‘winter pants’. We are providing two pairs so that pensioners can wear one pair while the other pair is in the wash. If winter temperatures remain below zero for five successive days then this will trigger the issue of a third pair (requires internet access, opt-in, newsletter sign-up and Labour votes in local elections).
‘I’m expecting some dim-witted headlines about the policy being pants. My only comment is the failed Tory opposition had a portfolio of policies which were all pants.’
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