The forthcoming sequel to Gladiator, which had been thought ready for release into cinemas this month, has been withdrawn for rewriting to suit modern sensibilities.
In particular, it’s thought that any scene in which Paul Mescal is thrown into the arena to face heavily armed gladiators, or savage wild animals will now include a caveat stating that women face worse things all the time.
There are rumours that a new character, Sorcia, hailing from newly conquered Hibernia, will deliver this line, though from the safety of a ringside seat rather than in the arena herself.
Other women in the crowd will applaud and then repeat it to every woman they know (an early draft in which they took out their phones and tweeted about it was considered too much of a historical liberty even for Hollywood). They will also condemn Mescal for being too distracted by the attacking tigers to immediately agree with her.
The film concludes with Hibernia demanding reparations from Rome, and blaming all its problems, even 2,000 years later, on having once been occupied.
“Yes of course it’s a terrible idea,” said director Ridley Scott. “But the whole thing’s an ill-advised sequel the studio’s demanding for entirely financial reasons. It’s not like there was ever a chance of it being any good.”