The Gambling Commission is to investigate a series of risky punts the Conservative Party has made over the past 14 years.
Top bookie-type who knows all the hand signals, Dai Roller said, 'If you're so stupid as to make a bet you're definitely going to lose, then gambling houses are happy to accept your charitable generosity. Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt wagering the entire UK economy on the election being on the 44th July? Well, he's just a mug who doesn't understand how numbers work, and the industry thanks him for his continued financial support.
'But if you're going to gamble so recklessly with people's lives, the futures of their children, and the welfare of the entire planet, then we've got to look at that sh!t. I mean, no one else is going to, are they?
'F*ck me, though. Do you know how long it's going to take us to investigate all the epic punt fails the Tories made? We've already found 863 examples of utterly imbecilic bets bound to cause widespread death to innocent members of the British public, and we're not even up to the Liz Truss era.'