‘Things like BMX biking, skateboarding and break-dancing are far too elitist' claimed one campaigner 'requiring specialist equipment, even if that's just a source of music. We need more sports where absolutely anyone can compete on an equal footing.'
'We considered chanting, banner-waving, brick-throwing and wheelie-bin burning, but sadly, these sports have recently been hijacked by a minority of anti-social troublemakers who have given the activities a bad reputation, so we decided against including them for fear of crowd trouble.'
'So we are now down to a shortlist including belching, farting, earwax scraping, masturbation and tooth-picking. But not arse-scratching, obviously. That would be just silly, and trivialise the whole movement.'
'And at least with masturbation, the gender of the participants should be clearly apparent to all. But while In the case of the men's event, it should be easy enough to see who comes first, there are worries that some of the women might be just faking it.'