The UK Foreign Secretary and the man that gave the world Brexit, Baron Cameron of Chipping Norton, has paid a whistle-stop visit to Thailand. In the press briefing following the visit, a spokesperson for Cameron said, 'We’ve tried our best to keep this visit under the radar. How the bloody hell did you lot find out about it? If Samantha finds out she’ll do her nut.'
When pressed by the seasoned reporter from the UK red top, The Daily Shite, as to the purpose of the visit, the spokesman said, 'It is absolutely about improving economic relations with this warm, sunny, low cost of living country, and maybe improve military co-operation as well. It is categorically not about anything remotely kinky, or the chance for his Lordship to top up his tan.'
However, when a copy of the itinerary was given to the press, some of the items listed raised a few eyebrows:
- Visit to Ko Samui beach to evaluate the rate of climate change in Thailand versus the UK. Specifically the rate at which a British citizen changes colour in strong sunshine wearing nothing but speedos and factor 14.
- Late night visit to Baby Boom bar, New bar, Duangjai Ladyboy bar, Fantasy Lounge, and Lita bar to assess the capacity of a UK citizen’s tolerance of alcohol in a hot, humid, tightly packed environment.
- Late night visit to the entertainment district of Patpong as well as locations in the western Sukhmvit Road area, specifically Soi Cowboy and the Nana Plaza building to assess the effects of an excessive consumption of alcohol in a leg-over situation on a Lord’s ‘lieutenant’.
Speaking for the Labour party, the member for Seaton Carew, Ivan Tsometoo, said, 'This is a disgraceful waste of the taxpayers’ money. It’s blatantly a jolly. Cameron should be ashamed of himself. Fact-finding visits like this should be cross party and at least include one MP from our party, specifically me. I’ve never seen a ladyboy.'