A VAR review of a crash involving a Premier League player has decided the player did not in fact crash at all. ‘It was an act of simulation,’ said officials at St George’s Park, who oversee reality and confirm what’s true or isn’t. ‘There will be no police investigation and any treatment the player received in hospital is void.’
The player was found in the crunched-up position in the driver’s seat of his Mercedes-Maybach S 680 4Matic First Class on the B1457 outside Cringley-on-the-willow-on-the-hill groaning like he’d been shot. CCTV footage of the incident was immediately whisked to St George’s, home of the world’s most unforgiving Video Assisted Refereeing technology. True to form, it disagreed with the evidence of the police, ambulance service, and numerous witnesses, and waved traffic on.
Asked to respond to the furore surrounding the controversial decision, officials released audio of the decision being made in real time:
VAR: Possible crash.
Assistant referee 2: Give it.
Assistant referee 1: Coming back for the skid, mate.
VAR: Just checking the crash. Delay, delay.
Referee: Yeah, no worries mate.
Replay operator: So, here we are. Just get a tight angle.
VAR: 2D line on the bumper.
Replay operator: Yeah, OK. So 2D line on the bumper.
VAR: And stop. Check complete, check complete. That’s fine, perfect. No crash.
‘That should clear everything up,’ said the official.