The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.
An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-
“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.
However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.
I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.
I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”