Grant Shapps has allayed fears that the extra defence spending announced by the Prime Minister might result in a return to conscription.
Following a series of visits to Shaanxi Province, China in which cabinet members marvelled first hand at the terracotta army built for Qin Shi Huang, the first Chinese Emperor to protect him in the afterlife, government ministers have been concerned for their welfare when their time in office ends and concluded that they too might benefit from having terracotta armies of their own in their afterlives.
Expert pottery consultants advised the government at a cost of £15bn that they had left it too late to fire the volume of clay that would be required; and in any event, since the education policies instigated when Michael Gove was Education Secretary have resulted in a generation of workers unable to discern shit from clay, there’s a high probability of inappropriate materials being used.
Instead, Tory doners from the 3D printing industry have promised the government it could acquire an army made from plastic within the time frame needed if it places an immediate order for 175 XP1500pro 3D printers.
Newsbiscuit’s defence correspondent explained “It’s always been foolish to imagine Conservative governments would regard defence spending as intended to protect anyone other than themselves.”