European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists today that she is disappointed with the lack of public interest in the announcement of the new Commission.
'Even the Guardian seemed to be faking its enthusiasm, and most other papers barely covered it at all. Whereas, you all get so excited when you elect your national politicians, even though they hardly have any power left. So we wondered if we could somehow make Commission appointments more like national elections.'
A journalist asked whether this meant Commissioners would be elected by the people in future, causing von der Leyen to splutter into her espresso. 'Gott in Himmel - you must warn me when you’re going to say something so funny! No, I meant the trappings of democracy, not democracy itself.
'For example, we thought we might have party political broadcasts, so the public could get to know the candidates. But we did a trial run, and no one could think of anything to say except ‘Well, he’s come to the end of his useful political life, but he’s a sweet old boy, and we owe him a favour - isn’t there some job in Brussels that wouldn’t require being awake in the afternoons?’
'So then we thought, rather than announcing all the new Commissioners at once during the day, we could announce them one by one during the night, with talking heads on every channel desperately trying to fill the time in between with empty speculation. This you would stay up to watch, ja?'
The system was trialled, and although many people said they planned to stay up and watch, most gave up and turned in about 11.30.
'So I never did find out who the new Commissioner for Cohesion is,' said one enthusiastic European citizen. 'Oh, an Estonian I’ve never heard of, how about that. Bliss it is in this dawn to be alive.'
Picture credit: Wix AI. (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)
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