It was revealed today that Edward J Smith, captain of the Titanic, gave a press conference an hour or so after striking the iceberg.
”OK, I concede the first 100 hours of the voyage have been choppy,” said the bearded mariner, as the water lapped around his ankles. “But hey, that’s the business we’re in. A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for, am I right?
”It about taking the tough decisions, even when they aren’t popular. And from what I’ve since heard from the crew and passengers, driving the ship into an iceberg definitely wasn’t popular.
”But believe me, these little setbacks you’re all obsessed with now will be completely forgotten once we arrive triumphantly in New York, where cheering crowds and brass bands await us.”
The rest of his speech was lost as the waters closed above his head, though some witnesses claim he said “At least I didn’t lead a left wing party into power and then kick pensioners in the teeth.”
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