It was announced today that notorious highwayman Dick Turpin will receive a knighthood in the New Year’s Honours list.
“We realise it’s a controversial choice,” said palace spokesman Sir Anthony Bufton-Tufton. “But if we’re going to knight Sadiq ‘Ferengi’ Khan, whose main achievement is the amount he’s extorted from motorists, doing the same for Dick Turpin isn’t that much of a stretch.”
However, some have complained that Turpin’s methods lacked the finesse of Khan’s.
“I mean, pointing a pistol at people, it’s so vulgar. And frankly unnecessary, when these days we have speed/ULEZ/congestion charge cameras that let you rob people without having to be there in person.
“Likewise the amount of money Turpin stole is frankly pathetic. He gouged less from road users in his whole criminal career than Khan gets on a slow Tuesday!
“And of course, Turpin never pretended to be motivated by anything but greed - there was no flannel about the environment, road safety or even robbing the rich to give to the poor. If we start giving out honours to reward honesty, where does it end?”
Others objected that Turpin was unsuitable on the grounds of being long dead, but it was decided this requirement, if adopted, might prejudice many current members of the House of Lords.