With Labour’s new housing targets looming over them, a Tory controlled council has gone into panic mode with the thought of their beautiful country town being overrun with peasants. Justin Case, the Tory Mayor told reporters, Our Town has remained untouched, unsullied for many years thanks to the massively high house prices and a hugely snobbish population and we need to keep it that way.
According to a secret report commissioned by the council, implementing Labour’s plan would involve a huge influx of very unpleasant people, none of whom even have of heard of Light Opera and would probably think The Pirates of Penzance was Johnny Depp’s latest film.
The report says, what these people want, is what they call Chippys, McDonalds Burgers, Betting shops and Pawnbrokers. It insists that with all the additional traffic from the intruders would result in doubling the ten minutes it currently takes to drive to the Golf course and is likely to result in a Nit Infestation in our local schools.
Matilda Shagweed whose family have lived in the town since they invested heavily in Thames Water insists that the townsfolk have nothing against the lower classes, but object to actually living with them. She believes the current system, based on the highly successful Johannesburg Soweto model already works exceedingly well. Help is bussed in, they do their hours and then thankfully go back to their own homes, where ever that is, at the end of the day. She said her Cook who lives a respectful twenty miles away ,has been with her for five years and besides some minor pilfering from the pantry has worked out very well.
The Mayor explained that Labour supporters, who He has publicly labelled as Russian backed Marxists, have put forward suggestions for social housing schemes to be built on what currently are a disused brickworks and a former cement factory. Luckily, this is already designated as Green Belt Land and the council are currently in talks with Natural England to have both sites designated as Areas of Natural Beauty.
The mayor totally rejects the charge that they are acting like Nimbys, insisting that they are acting purely in defence of the countryside and that no true Englishman wants to look out of his conservatory window to see houses built with tax payers’ money while the value of his own home decreases hour by hour.
To prove their point the Tory council, again after careful consideration, have suggested areas far more suited to the Labour government’s plan, one in Scotland and one in Wales.