'Due to a gross mismanagement of UK prisons through haemorrhaging taxpayer money into private security firms to cut every corner they can find, prisoners have been escaping through those cut corners.' So says a delayed report titled, Lock 'Em Up And Throw Away The Key.
Worst of all, drugs have been leaking in through those cut corners, which has slightly miffed older generations still misty eyed about the exchange of snout as currency. 'I know everything about our penal system, because I watched Ronnie Barker do every episode of Porridge,' said Arry Slimes, the nation's top commentator on crime and punishment. 'Fletch lives!'
Despite the seepage of prisoners through cut corners, somehow jails have been operating at 101% capacity for over 12 months. Although it seems reasonable and cost effective to delve into the massive pile of thrown away keys, a less attractive solution has been proposed.
Based on the plan to relieve pressure on the NHS by paying relatives to look after the immobile, sick and dying from home as carers, a similar model will be applied to the criminal justice system.
'We really need parents to step up and ground children who've been committing crime,' said the head of the prisons service, from cell 269 on D Wing. 'And we need younger children to step up and ground parents and elderly relatives getting away with serious fraud.
'The key to the whole thing though, is empowering hardened crims to be their own screws at home. Get that locked down, and we can save an inch or two, if you know what I mean? You didn't see me, right. Got any snout?'
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