An elderly man who may have had too many things to consider when thinking about the meaning of his own life, let alone the meaning of life in general is now facing the additional burden of wondering if the advice a computer expert gave him will be beneficial.
The computer expert had explained how he is able to make computers run more efficiently, at least for as long until the next Windows update, by removing all the shit that gets loaded into memory when a computer starts up and advised the old man to get his brain zapped so he could forget he shit in his past life.
The old man told Newsbiscuit it was a tempting idea if it meant he would be better able to comprehend the modern world, but is mindful that the thing that prevented him being bullied in later life was clouting his school bully to make it stop. “That was powerful” he told Newsbiscuit. “His entire gang ran away once I’d flattened that c*nt, and I don’t know why, but I haven’t been bullied since. I wouldn't want to forget the power that gave me."
He went on to reflect on his previous disastrous marriage but later worked out how that marriage might have worked out brilliantly if neither he nor his wife of the time had been part of it. “If I had my memory wiped, what would stop me making the same mistakes again?” he asked.
Our intern reporter attempted to say how much better her computer had been running after she’d stopped all the unnecessary shit running in the background, but admitted it all went up the pictures again when Microsoft updated it and couldn’t explain why the update process rushes through in two minutes to the 90% stage, then takes an hour to do the last 10%. Even more perplexing was that after the update completed, the cleanup process took three times as long as the update.
The old man thought it might be a bit like the riots, where it’s easy to destroy stuff, but takes an eternity to rebuild, but sadly our intern had an urgent incomprehensible message written in txtspeak she needed to respond to, then spent the rest of the day on the Interweb trying to work out its meaning.
“I sort of get what the computer expert was saying about deleting all the shit in my memory, but how will that stop me marrying that bitch twice? I’d hate to forget how the sex was so fantastic, we put up with each other for a decade longer than was healthy for anyone.
Mr Old Man’s autobiography is available in full on Newsbiscuit in text format for £15m quid a copy or on Onlyfans in 3 minute video format clips for free, without the mental torture scenes.