Angry people across the UK have lifted their knuckles from the ground and demanded answers as to why there is apparently a shortage of carbon dioxide for drinks plants, when scientists and other lefties have been telling them for years that the world is getting hotter because there is too much of it.
‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said Nigel Walker, two arms and a penis from Chelmsford. ‘The barman at the Fox & Geese tells us last night they’re going to run out of lager by the weekend if they don’t get some more of this CO-whatsit stuff delivered. Then all these ‘so-called experts’ are saying there’s more in the air than ever before. Someone’s got to be lying – stands to sense, dunnit?’
Manufacturers have warned that both beer and lemonade could be in short supply, leading to panic buying among World Cup watchers who fear that they may otherwise be reduced to drinking real ale and forcing the kids to have water. Many are angry that this is happening on the hottest day of the year so far, when carbon dioxide levels should be the highest if those ivory tower boffins had any common sense.
Professor Geoffrey Roberts of the University of York said: ‘Let’s do this slowly. Atmospheric carbon dioxide is completely separate from pressurised carbon dioxide, which is currently in short supply because of factory maintenance shutdowns and a peak in demand, which has … no, actually let’s not bother. Life’s too short.’
‘Tell you what, if you want to make your own, put a hose on the end of your car exhaust and sit inside it with the engine running. It smells lovely too. Strictly speaking that’s carbon monoxide but there’s only one oxygen atom’s difference and let’s face it, most people in Britain are oxygen thieves anyway.’