A spokesbird for the American Chicken Alliance has excoriated Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos’ ‘pathetic cowardice’ for his decision, apparently under pressure from Donald Trump, to spike the paper’s endorsement of Kamala Harris for president. ‘Comical cravenness is our brand, not yours!’ clucked Henny Penny on her weekly podcast. ‘Stay in your lane, Bezos!’
Penny’s statement came as no surprise to Alfred Newman, Professor of Poultry Politics at King’s College, London. ‘Chickens are very conscious of having cornered the market on groundless panic,’ Newman said. ‘In their view, Bezos’ hysterical fright is kind of like trademark infringement.’
More puzzling is why Bezos, owner of Amazon, caved in the first place. ‘Christ, he could lose $7 billion in his couch and not miss it,’ Penny clucked. ‘If he’s not going to stand up to that big orange man-turd, who the hell will?’
Consistent with its recent practice, the American Chicken Alliance has not officially endorsed a presidential candidate, but Trump’s ravenous appetite for chicken nuggets is well known in the community. The organization has set up ‘Eet mor Bief’ booths at Harris campaign events, but the initiative has yet to take flight with the public.