Tackling the rapidly approaching transfer deadline, Chelsea are planning to determine which players to cut from their bloated squad by using the scissors-paper-stone method. ‘Players will compete in a tournament style format, with the losers getting shipped to Saudi Arabia,’ explained a club spokesperson at a hastily arranged press conference.
‘Season ticket holders will be able to livestream the event,’ she noted. ‘It’s just another way for us to show how much we appreciate our loyal fans.’ When a reporter asked for any other examples of the club’s fan appreciation efforts, the spokesperson paused for an extended period before finally saying ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’
Fans will be able to place bets during the livestream, but questions about the integrity of the contest have already arisen. Raheem Sterling revealed on social media that the team had forbidden him from choosing any option except ‘scissors’ in the first round while every other player was directed to select ‘stone’. Club officials said that Sterling was taking their statements ‘out of context.’
The press conference reached a turning point when new manager Enzo Maresca, asked what he thought of the contest, began to weep openly. ‘Even Lampard never did that,’ marveled one aghast reporter.
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