The government may have to order a moratorium on dying if people don't slim down, as cemeteries grapple with the problem of squeezing in more and more overweight occupants. Concern has also been expressed over the strain plus-size coffins are putting on the world's timber resources. "If our love affair with carbohydrates continues", warns a DEFRA spokesman, "the average coffin will be the size of a shipping container by 2030". Geography experts have noticed that Britain is starting to bulge at the sides from all the XXXXL corpses being stuffed into it.
The fast food industry has pledged co-operation in the fight against cemetery overcrowding. McDonald's has offered to put a 'Have you considered cremation?' message on all super-sized portions served. Meanwhile, grieving families have complained about the lack of respect from graveyard personnel for their obesely departed, who have to endure nicknames like "hearse-wrecker" and "two-plot fatso". Thirty-two stone Dave Nichols from Gloucester know he's not long for this world due to lack of exercise and chronic gluttony, but he's been told he'll have to wait at least five years before room becomes available. "I'll just have to move to a more spacious country to die", he sighs. "Either that or be buried in instalments in Britain".