In a tragic turn of events, an administration error has meant that John Henry Newman's two 'miracles' have now been recognized as 'spells'. Although the Catholic Church is big fan of the intercession of saints, they are much more suspicious of girls with pointy hats and have sadly designated the Cardinal as on par with Elphaba, Grotbags and Katie Hopkins.
One apologetic Vatican official explained: 'You just don't expect to see many miracles these days; other than Leicester winning the Premiership and Priti Patel avoiding prison. To be honest, you hear that an elderly priest has been fiddling with people and you just assume the worst.
‘There has always been a fine line between spells and miracles; for instance a successful Brexit would be a bona fida miracle, but chances are it would be the work of the devil – or Boris as he is known.
‘It’s an easy mistake to make. Spells, miracles, CGI - they're all the same to me. Look, we've apologized when we've got things wrong - we should never have drowned David Blaine. Not without having spoken to his agent first. But placing Paul Daniels in an Iron Maiden, was just a mercy killing.'
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |