Pirate Cap'n Keir Starmer has - at cutlass point - withheld a days' grog from the brightly barnet-ed buccaneer (and Transport Secretary) Louise Haigh. Haigh had recommended senior P&O executives be asked to walk the plank for their cannon fire and cannon rehire practices.
Cap'n Starmer has steered his ship more to starboard than Haigh was expecting. Haigh's colourful hair has proved a useful hiding place for parrots perched on her shoulder.
P&O's new cost-saving fleet now includes The Marie Celeste, The Titanic, The Hispaniola, The Nostromo, The Black Pearl, The Exxon Valdez, The Bismarck, The Golden Hind and that container ship that got stuck in the Suez Canal.
In the event of nearby Spanish galleons, customers may be required to return musket fire and they will now have to splice their own mainbraces, swab the poop deck and avast any landlubbers in their party.