Boris Johnson has entangled himself in such a shady scam that former KGB oligarchs who hold bunga bunga underage sex parties for convicted presidents are distancing themselves from him.
'I wouldn't touch him with your ten-foot barge pole,' confirmed Tupolev Onatopp, a world-leading supplier of arms to despots and weapons of mass destruction to children. 'If you think you can get away with something just because you can't say it yourself, then that is somewhat shallow. Boris Johnson has trouble saying pretty much anything in his own first language, so his argument isn't going to pull the woolly mop over anyone's eyes but his own.
'Although people refer to his new organisation as Better Earth, its full official title is Better Earth For Boris Johnson. Clearly there is nothing wrong with providing Iran with uranium, but because he denies ever having met his Canadian-Iranian business partner and top chum, that just makes the whole thing a bit more suspicious. It's your classic Eton schoolboy error. And he does have form screwing things up in Iran just by opening his flappy lie hole.
'A hot young bit of totty everyone knows you installed in the UK House of Lords also being involved in your personal business dealings is the hallmark move of your committed incompetent. What's he going to do next? Gift my firstborn another life peerage to win me over? There simply aren't enough over-sized fridges in the world for this idiot to hide in.
'I did once admire his personal loyalty to filthy Russian money. But incompetence coagulates with incompetence. At least the total f*ck up that is Steve Bannon is not involved in this fiasco. What's that, Sergei? Oh. OK. Sergei says I should retract that statement.
'When you've got yourself involved in a shell company within a shell company within a shell company, all owned by undisclosed offshore entities around the world, then that's obviously a post political career payoff mechanism to launder your dirty in-office dealings. One imagines he'll be calling his old pal David Cameron for advice on how to pull out of sticky situations.'
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