'When the government introduced the 14 units a week for alcohol in 1987 I thought it was a great idea,' said Carl, adding, 'because I'd often worried that I wasn't drinking enough. But the proposed system was obviously over-complicated. I prefer just 7 units, one per day,' he said. 'As usual the government was too stingy with the unit size - have they ever been on a bender, Covid excepted?' he asked. So I just used a bigger unit, you know, like a wheelbarrow' he said today.
Government records note that practically 100% of people recording their alcohol consumption claim is '14 units', and assume outliers like Carl claiming just 7 units is stopping the policy from being completely successful. However drinking buddy to Carl, Alan, claims that Carl is over-complicating the process. 'I just drink one unit a week. It's a bloody big unit, you know, like a shed, but at least I can keep track of it. At least until Friday evening when it gets a bit hazy,' he adds, joining the 99% of the population recording 14 units.
The NHS insists that drink related illness accounts for almost half of its workload, which given the amount of doctors, nurses and managers it employs is a good thing. 'If it wasn't for drunks, we'd have bugger all to do,' said a NHS spokesman, raising a glass, a bloody big glass, approximately one unit. 'Chin-chin.'
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