Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish.
Britain’s treasured perimeter suffered a breach yesterday when dozens of illegal migrants surged through Kent under cover of darkness after being warmly welcomed onto land inside a big fat wooden chippy fish.
Border Force Operative, Charlie Harris explained: “We picked up a signal on radar that a huge craft was floating on the surface of the Channel towards Kent, but after investigation it was dismissed a just massive Cod having a nosey above water. Nothing unusual there.
“Then when it beached we was all ‘Crikey! It’s a gift from the French, or Neptune, or it’s broken free from Elton John’s place’, something like that. So we winched it up onto dry land and left it there. Marvellous specimen it was, an Arcto-Norwegian variety, if I’m not mistaken. There were more than a few selfies taken, I can tell you.
“In the morning it looked like it had been to a fishmonger lumberjack, it was split wide open. We didn’t know what to do. A few of us went inside in amongst the food wrappers and nappies and pretended we was Jonah. Oh, and we strapped Phil Snodd to the side like Captain Ahab in Moby Dick and did a TikTok, he was not happy about that.
“Then someone said there was multiple sightings of illegals in the area carrying oars and we put two and two together. I should have guessed the fish was dodgy as the Arcto-Norwegian Cod prefers the much colder North Atlantic waters and rarely travels this far south.
“It’s taught us at Border Force a mighty lesson, in the future if we detect an enormous wooden fish floating our way, before we drag it ashore we'll definitely check to see if anyone's riding on its back.”