The 2024 Oxford versus Cambridge University Boat Race was predicted to be a sluggish affair. Both crews had prepared well for this year's row, bringing their own nose pegs. Or earplugs, depending on how you just read the word 'row'.
Those watching from bridges over the Thames were distracted by an endless game of pooh-sticks, all of the countless vessels made from real, genuine poo. As expected, Cambridge pushed out hard, but in a considerably more thrilling race than usual, the winner was a turd from Luton College.
Organisers of the race said, 'Yet another great tradition has been ruined by @rseholes from Oxbridge. In future, the event will be renamed the University Floater Race.'
Here is Newsbiscuit's unofficial betting guide to the 2024 Boat Race:
Oxford Win 7-5
Cambridge Win 7-5
Cambridge team turn up late due to Easter Bank Holiday traffic 15-1
Arrival of dolphin pod delays start of race 750-1
Angry swan breaks arm (either) of Cambridge Cockswain 300-1
Rowers (at least three) contract fulminant dose of E. coli 5-1
Rowers (at least one) contract Weil's disease 25-1
Luton College Win 5,000-1
Oxford's Ukrainian Cockswain killed in Russian drone attack 85,000,000-1
Hammersmith Bridge destroyed due to collision 100,500,000-1
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Authors: SteveB, Ashbery