What we need now more than ever is new laws to stop people getting their hands on um those, bang-bang weapons, ’ declared Joe Biden in a press conference this morning. ‘In the wrong hands these, er bullet-pointers cause far more misery than they prevent. That’s why I telephoned Former Ex President er Crumpet and asked him to support my plans to curtail those, er stick ‘em up machines which so many of my fellow Americans conceal in plain sight.
But former president Trump said he respected his assassin’s right to change world history by trying to kill him. ‘It’s everyone’s democratic right to try and shoot the president, Archduke or prime minister using the firearm of his or her choice, only to die in a hail of bullets fired by men who look like they belong in a Blues Brothers movie except for the hats. Whatever happened to hats, by the way? First thing I’m going to do when I become president is to make a law saying my Secret Service detail has to wear hats, except in the Opal Fruit office.’
Meanwhile a spokesperson for the US Secret Service said ‘How in hell did you find out about us? We’re supposed to be totally confidential! And sure we knew about the Crooks guy, we just thought he was gonna miss, that’s all. And frankly he very nearly did. And the ear thing never hurt that Dutch guy. Well I guess it did hurt him but not for that long. These things heal. Anyway it made him famous so what’s not to like?
President Biden later added ‘Shooty sticks is wrong. ‘Guts! No, that’s not right…Er gubs? No that was in a Woody Allen movie. Apparently the guy married his own sister. What is America coming to? What’s needed is a strong fearless President who can shoot straight and do the talking afterwards….Me?... You think so? Aw shucks, you’re just saying that. Well if you’re sure. Wait a minute: Putin! That’s the guy. Not the other guy.’