Plans to re-open the UK’s schools have been dismissed as unrealistic, as social distancing would require your average classroom to be the size of a football pitch. Naturally, students are renowned for spreading infections; just look at head lice or gossip about who is pregnant.
The idea that teenagers will not share diseases is fanciful, given that they spend all their time trying to share bodily fluids and Tik Tok moves. The only way to stop the spread of a virus in a school, is to wrap it up in a homework assignment.
While the Government has identified children as low risk group, they seem to have forgotten the staff within the schools or the creepy old guys hanging around the school gates. Children are also likely to take infections home – almost as deadly as their dirty PE kits.
The main reason to open schools is to get parents back to work: ‘I’m tired of being a glorified baby-sitter. They’re just lazing around, not helping with the housework, looking at porn online and eating all the cereal – they need to go out!’ said one concerned child.
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