In a development that has shocked the scientific world, an American archaeologist has reported the discovery of a Republican spine underneath the Mall in Washington, DC. Excavation for the new 700-foot-tall Donald Trump Monument uncovered the bizarre relic. ‘This was completely unexpected,’ said Frieda Newman, lead archaeologist for the project and Professor of Political Nematodes at Stanford University. ‘We had no idea that Republicus americanus had ever been vertebrates.’
Speculation immediately turned to which Republican might have had a spine. Focus initially fell on former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, but investigation later revealed that the Terminator star is, in fact, still alive. ‘Someone on our team said maybe it came from [Senator] Mitch McConnell,’ Newman said. ‘We all had a good laugh.’
On a hastily arranged Zoom call, baffled experts eventually decided that the spine was probably that of Abraham Lincoln, America’s 16th president. A nationwide search is now underway to locate the rest of his remains. ‘If it’s Lincoln, it’s unclear why the rest of him isn’t here,’ said one of the experts, speaking on condition of anonymity. ‘We cannot rule out foul play.’
The experts also debated where the rare item should be displayed. Some suggested that it could be an exhibit in the forthcoming 110-story Trump Museum Tower, slated for construction on the former site of Arlington National Cemetery. Others suggested it could reside in the new Trump Wing of the Smithsonian’s Museum of Trump, American History, Trump, and Trump.
However, the object could prove to be highly controversial. ‘People are going to ask why we’re displaying a Republican spine but not a Democratic one,’ another expert observed. ‘And the answer – because we haven’t found one yet - will surely anger a lot of folks.’