The much loved Aussie croc catcher passed peacefully at home surrounded by his family and thousands of pieces of crocodile skin artifacts. The artifacts ranged from wallets to lampshades. Family confirmed Paul Hogan’s death had nothing to do with a crocodile attack. But the alligator community was less sanguine. ‘For years we have been trying to bring to the authorities’ attention the savage crimes of this man. He hunted and preyed on crocodiles his whole life, while pretending to be an upstanding member of the only-ever-starred-in-one-memorable-movie acting community. Privately Paul Hogan was a monster.’
Meanwhile, Ange Postecoglou has defended the tanned, scaly, blond reptile killer. ‘Just heard about it this arvo, mate,’ he said to his mate, the interviewer. ‘Gatted, mate. Hogan was a corker, a real fair dinkum bloke.’ Then Postecoglou ran out of slang and returned to his job at The Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, where he strings corks to hats.
Before the expose documentaries get made, there has been an outpouring of grief across Australia, which manifested itself in people leaning against walls opening cans of beer with one hand. But progressive forces vowed to stand behind the crocodiles. ‘Privately Paul Hogan was a monster.’ Yeah, you just said that.
Update: Paul Hogan is not dead. That story we mistakenly reported earlier and subsequently made up quotes from supposed crocodiles’ representatives and Ange Postecoglou in order to generate interest and spoil Paul Hogan’s legacy. No crocodiles were interviewed for the original piece and no allegations have been made with regard to the actor’s conduct with crocodiles being in any way unbecoming. In fact, it was Burt, the iconic 5.1-metre 700kg crocodile who starred in Crocodile Dundee alongside Paul Hogan who died today. We wish to pass on our respects and best wishes to the remaining family members of Burt.
Next story: Allegations swirl that Burt the iconic 5.1-metre 700kg crocodile who starred in Crocodile Dundee alongside Paul Hogan had images of baby crocodiles on his laptop.
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