A witness statement given by writer and comedian Alan Bennett, concerning a robbery that took place at his neighbour’s house in north London, has been nominated for a BAFTA award.
“I’d just popped out to the corner shop for a packet of lemon puffs,” the statement begins, “when I noticed a man standing across the street, looking at the house of Tom and Maureen next door.
”I saw him again later, when the curate came round to tea. We’d just sat down to a pot of Darjeeling and an assortment of French fancies - me mother never liked the pink ones, though I have to say they all taste the same to me - when I noticed out of the window that the man was still there. I was about to remark upon it, when the curate launched into a long story about his impetigo and how the doctor wasn’t taking it seriously, and the moment was lost.”
His statement was praised by police for its “pathos, humanity and ability to locate the essence of the human condition in the most apparently trivial details of lived experience”, whilst not actually being any help in catching the people who’d robbed his neighbours’ house.
A spokesman for BAFTA said he was astonished that no one had yet adapted this statement for TV, suggesting “The Man Across The Street” as a possible title.
”Ah, but who to play him, that’s the question… I’d suggest gender swapping it, if only dear Maggie were still with us.”
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