With increasing speculation that the shooting was an inside job by the deep state or his own party, we offer Mr Trump some clues that tell you the people around you are out to get you:
• Your assistant plonks the microphone in front of you and then runs like hell from the podium
• All the stops on your campaign trail are located near book depositories.
• Be suspicious when your aides tell you, 'Never mind that guy up there, he's just an amateur actor rehearsing for Fiddler on the Roof'
• You find your running mate has a private shooting range where all the targets are painted orange
• Your image consultant tells you cultivating a 'van Gogh look' will endear you to the electorate
•Your secretary mysteriously cancels your golf club membership and lifetime subscription to the Cartoon Channel.
• Your aides try to get you to wear the strange new MAGA t-shirt with the bullseye design on the front.
• You notice workers digging a Trump-shaped hole in Arlington cemetery.
• You know that 300lb campaign assistant has a big appetite, but does he really need to take his lunch to work in a violin case?
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