Shhh. Please can you click that mouse more gently? Could you scroll quieter? What the f$ck is that loud fizzing noise? Oh, it's the Alka Seltzer I just popped in my glass of water.
OK, great party last night. Well, moderate party until someone started playing 'guess the Tory quote'. Hilarious. 'I will unite our country not with words, but with action'. I guessed Nigel Farage as he's the next Tory leader and he's united most of the country to hate him, but no. Rishi effing Sunak, apparently. But nobody guessed he also said 'There will be integrity, professionalism and accountability at every level of the government I lead'. He leads the government?
Then we had 'We are paid handsomely for the job we do and if you need an extra £100,000 a year on top then you should really be looking for another job'. I was certain it was Lee Anderson, but held back because he has a second job, paying £100,000, talking shite on GB News. But it was, and looking at the polling for Ashfield he will be looking for another job as soon as Rishi sets the date for the next election.
'The Party I lead today is unrecognisable from 2019' caused everyone a lot of head scratching as the Tories have had a lot of leaders since 2019, practically one a month. Then we found out it was Keir Starmer, and boy did that raise a laugh. We thought the quiz was about Tory leaders. And now I've sobered up, I get it!