Alexei Sayle once said: 'Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.' Well, in 2024, Keir Starmer believes that the UK's deficit is primarily down to nurses and teachers being paid too much. His tight fiscal restraints mean his £3bn a year to Ukraine will be paid for by all of us using thrift stores and making our own candles.
Oddly enough, tax dodging corporations and frivolous forever-wars are not a drain on the public purse, but your Nan making herself a hot water bottle, is. A Treasury aide said: 'We believe in trickle down corruption. All of those evil CEOs will eventually need to buy new socks, and the money from that can fund the NHS.'
'So please, cut back on non-essentials, like food. We could easily end the two-child benefit cap, if everyone learnt to cut their own hair and share bath water. Don't forget a Nan isn't just for Christmas, she is for all year round. Although, once we cut the winter fuel payments, she won't get to Christmas.'
Image: cattalin - Pixabay
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