Government sets up independent inquiry into independent inquiries

The number of independent inquiries into government activities has has reached unprecedented levels, according to an independent inquiry into the number of independent inquiries set up by the government following complaints that there are too many independent inquiries into government activities.

'Independent inquiries are expensive, take forever and don't provide good value for money,' the inquiry is expected to conclude sometime in 2038 at an estimated cost of £3 Billion, with recommendations that the inquiry is followed up by an independent inquiry to determine the best way to conduct independent inquiries, with a target date of 2062 for reporting back to government. 'Time, obviously, is of the essence,' the inquiry chair stated in it's preliminary report after the leader of the opposition who preceded the current leader of the opposition four times removed complained that the report into independent inquiries was taking too long. The leader of the opposition preceding the current leader of the opposition two times removed retracted the complaint as being obviously untrue but nobody actually noticed. Or he was thrown out of the Labour Party. No-one is quite sure and the government has called for an independent inquiry to ascertain whether the leader of the opposition preceding the current one several times or so removed had his or her retraction of the complaint of the leader of the opposition maybe two or three times removed preceding him or her fairly or not. 'This should be resolved before any other independent inquiry is continued,' suggested the government.

The plethora of independent inquiries into independent inquiries is having a knock-on effect into independent inquiries into Grenfell, Partygate, Monegate, Kwarting-gate, Zahawigate, BBCgate and anything else the current government has touched, passed, imprisoned, monetised or screwed up. 'Until the independent inquiry into independent inquiries is completed we can't possibly resolve the other issues, nor can we answer any questions regarding those topics until the relevant independent inquiries are resolved,' said a government spokesman, agreeing that the situation is incredibly unfair and that an independent inquiry should be set up into it 'as soon as this one is concluded but before the other ones are resumed,' he suggested.

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I’ll make everybody a non-dom, says Nadhim Zahawi

In the latest tax cutting pledge from a Tory leadership hopeful, Nadhim Zahawi has said he’ll make everybody in the UK a non-dom if he becomes Prime Minister.

“It is the best way I know of to lower your personal tax bill,” he said. “This move will help ordinary working families with millions, or even billions, held in a low-tax offshore jurisdictions.”

The move immediately caused Sajid Javid to back Mr Zahawi’s campaign.

It also led to a big argument in the Sunak household about who was the best candidate.

image from pixabay

Zahawi tells Cabinet ‘It’s your time you’re wasting’

With all the authority of a substitute teacher, Nadhim Zahawi is attempting to reduce cabinet absenteeism, denying their chants that they 'don't need no educayshun or thought control'.

A departmental spokesperson said: ‘Uber wealthy cabinet ministers miss out most, as they have too many foreign holidays and/or steamy affairs. There are numerous cabinet absences due to Covid too. Not when they have Covid or are self-isolating, but because of the sheer volume of dubious government contracts to sort out. All that sweet state moolah, plus struggling by on £80k/year doesn’t organise itself you know.’

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have responded to Zahawi's remarks by getting off his holiday lilo, getting out his trusty catapult and firing paper balls at the back of Zahawi's head. Johnson will also discreetly put a whoopee cushion on Zahawi's chair before carving 'Zahawi is a speccy square' into a desk.

image pixabay/6689062

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