New talent show - The Double-X Factor

ITV has announced the launch of a new talent show, The Double-X Factor.

The format will be similar to its famous predecessor, The X Factor, except that any woman who does too well will immediately be accused of being a man.

No amount of producing birth certificates or passports, or pointing out that being a man wouldn’t give them an advantage anyway, will satisfy the snarling newspaper columnists, former children’s authors or keyboard warriors of X (formerly Twitter, now Double-X).

Each show will culminate in the judges lasciviously baying for the contestant to strip naked to prove she’s a woman, leading one audience member to say the idea that Simon Cowell has any desire to see a naked woman was 'the most implausible thing I’ve been expected to believe yet'.

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New Saturday night screaming contest promises to draw BBC audience away

Boris Johnson has said he intends to use his influence at GB News along with his knowledge of the classics to convince the channel it could compete with the BBC on Saturday nights with something more exciting than the poor attempts at singing and ballroom dancing the nation has suffered from for decades.

'Boris' Bully XL Gladiator Contest will help level up the country' a spokesperson told Newsbiscuit. 'Boris says children from deprived areas in the north will be able to chance their luck in fights to the death with ferocious Bully XL dogs, armed only with the plastic spoons they had in their mouths when they were born and their challenge will be to use the navigational skills they learned when they realised the north side of their town faced east, and the east was facing south to outwit the dog, who will be equipped with a standard compass.

Jacob Rees-Mogg backed Mr Johnson’s idea, with a spokesbutler saying 'The thing that’s been holding the north back, is the lack of opportunity for children to demonstrate their heroic capabilities in the way brave Sir Jacob was able to. Providing GB News broadcasts this before Nanny puts him to bed, he will definitely be watching it and cheering on the northern brats.'

GB News say they will promote the show through an advert on the side of a bus.

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X Factor winners' reunion bash cancelled due to clerical cock-up

It's understood an X Factor Winners' reunion bash, scheduled for December at London's swanky Dorchester hotel, had to be cancelled due to a clerical cock-up.

The glitzy party to honour all winners of the fourteen seasons since 2004 came unstuck when organisers realised they only had contact details for a few of the stars. A spokesman for Simon Cowell's Syco company said: 'Yeah, it's a shame really. It was going to be a helluva a night until we realised there were just about three we could get hold of and they were all busy.

When asked who had actually been invited the spokesman said: 'Now, let's see. Obviously we asked Will, but he was busy, then Leona, erm... she was washing her hair and of course we sent 1D at least 10 emails but got no response.

'Then we discovered something rather odd. We checked the contact details we held for all contestants for every season, but the files had been mysteriously wiped. That was probably a mistake made by an office temp.

'So we put ads in all the mags and asked around the biz, but no one knew any of them. That's a surprise cos like in season seven there was... oh... you remember... whazztheirname? Thingy... he/she/they might've had the Christmas number one that year... wait... it'll come to me... ooh...'

It's understood the plug was finally pulled when previous contestants Jedward and Wagner somehow got wind of the event and tried to blag an invite.

image pixabay/BEP

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